[Kronologi Part 3] Penipu Muncul Kembali- Ellyna Ahmad

Sewaktu aku dan "agen CSI" yang lain berbincang, "Iqbal" macam tahu-tahu aje kami dah smell something fishy. Jadi dia minta email kami. Waktu ni argument kami semakin rancak. Sebab?

Gambar-gambar Iman masa di London, yang dimuat naik dalam instagram dia, semuanya gambar tempat semata-mata. Kenapa takda gambar dia dengan background tempat tu? Ok, if dia rasa dia dah tak cantik sebab rambut gugur kenapa tak letak gambar Iqbal & nenek dia? Kenapa takda gambar hospital pun? Ada dia post gambar ward yang ensuite macam apartment. Itu pun gambar yang tiada orang di dalam gambarnya.

So I bet korang mesti nak tahu apa yang Iqbal, seorang lelaki okay, seorang lelaki mampu menulis macam ni. Bersedia untuk menangis please.. Plus, if korang tak rajin baca baik jangan baca sebab memang panjang drama beliau.

Assalamualaikum,

It's 4pm here in UK, here I am duduk atas bed Iman typing this entry untuk di kongsi dengan kawan-kawan Iman yang selalu doakan untuk dia. Less than an hour ago, Iman baru keluar OT, doctor removed some of the tumors dari lung dia. Process ni perlu so that lung dia dapat diselamatkan & tak payah nak remove 1 or the whole set to save her life. Sementara tunggu Iman sedar, I nak nak share my 8-9 days journey from KL to UK dengan korang semua so serba sikit korang dapat tau apa yang Iman went through for the past week ni. Bare with me, this email gonna take some of your time, terpulanglah nak baca atau tak. 

Semua tahu banyak masa Iman habiskan di Singapore, PC untuk dapatkan Cancer treatment, when her cancer dah hit level 4, to be honest me and my whole family dah lama give up. But Iman keep convincing me and my grandmother that she gonna be ok, she said 'You see, tengok Lance Armstrong tu, dia cancer free dah, siap boleh masuk balik Tour D' France' I diam, I tengok mata dia and there, I nampak dia pun dah hilang hope but she put a fake smile to ensure us that nothing to be worried about. She was in denial, susah for Iman to digest yang dia sekarang terminally ill, but sometimes bila I pergi Isolation room dekat PC nak ambik laundry or send her something, I boleh dengar dia menangis sorang-sorang, cursing herself and blaming herself for everything. Kalau boleh I nak je lari to her, hug her and cradle her in my arms but by doing that kami akan sama-sama sedih, I tak boleh sedih, I keep telling myself 'No Iqbal, kau kena kuat, jangan lemah depan Iman' tak terlarat kadang-kadang nak tanggung everything, but I have no choice but to be strong for her. 

Anyway, bila dah nak dekat pergi UK, Iman slowly losing hope, dia dah tak excited macam dulu and she keep telling me 'Iqbal, kita tak payah pergi ok, kita stay at home je. Kita kena learn to accept the fact that I'm not gonna be ok' I looked at her, I smiled at her 'Apa ni Iman, kata nak pergi emirates? kata nak stalk Ozil? why don't kita cuba dulu, mana tahu miracle ke kat sana?' Then she looked at me and she said 'Ada ke Miracle tu? Allah loves me that much to give me that kind of miracle?' I diam, but dalam hati bersabar dengan everything she said or did. Banyak kali dia lari dari hospital sebab dia nak be free, to get a fresh air, buat normal activity like other people, but once dia dah sedar that she can't do all that, dia balik semula ke hospital, looking for the oxygen tube, like her life depending on it. Hari yang dah tiba dah dekat, I bawak balik Iman dekat rumah and Idy my son, terus lari and hug Iman. That little boy really missed her so much. 'Why Inan kuyush?' Idy asked her so many times but she just laughed her ass off and carry him here and there. Iman can't sleep at night, she spent her night packing and worried about something. At the same night, someone that she love leaving for Holland. I saw her cry and I asked her why, she said 'I wish I can send him off to the airport Iqby, but it's ok kan, I'll see him in London nanti?' I said 'Sure, just two hours journey, we'll plan something nanti' then she smiled. 

I slept for 2 hours but Iman tak tidur langsung, she was too excited nak pergi airport, antara sebabnya sebab dia cakap kawan-kawan twitter nak hantar dia pergi airport. She keep telling me about them, Kid macam ni, Ed macam tu, Lily her shoes buddy, got a nice girl in birmingham yang nak cook for her. She can't stop talking about her new friends. But around 4am, Iman dah mula sakit, she can't properly breathe. I have no other choice but to leave home early, bawak Iman straight to the airport lepas subuh. She keep telling pakcik driver yang bawak kitaorang to KLIA. 'Pakcik, jangan laju sangat, nanti sampai cepat, kawan-kawan saya tak sampai lagi'. Pakcik just ignored apa Iman cakap, maybe the pakcik pun kena pergi somewhere else right after drop us off dekat KLIA. Dr from PC dah siap ada dekat KLIA, check iman's pulse and make sure everything ok but Iman need to baring, dia tak boleh expose lama dekat hall lama-lama, so her Dr told her 'Iman, kita kena masuk dalam ni, tak boleh lama-lama dekat luar' then she started to cry 'Tapi kawan-kawan saya tak datang lagi ni Doc' then Iman started to text her friends, wondering diaorang dekat mana. I pun tweeting her friends, but most of them masih jauh, jauh lagi dari KLIA. 'Iman, kena masuk sekarang, nanti sakit tak boleh naik flight' then she burst into tears, knowing she can't see any of her friends. Sampai je dalam lounge emirates, I biarkan dia tepi tingkap, she talked to her phone and menangis alone, then like 10 mins lepas tu she walked to the couch and tidur. 

Banyak benda yang ada dekat dalam lounge tu, all her fave foods. Pasta, creme bruele, chocs and all kind of cakes and pudding but sikit pun Iman tak sentuh. Dia sedih, macam berat hati dia nak tinggalkan KL. Bila panggil to board, I kejutkan dia but dia cakap dia tak larat nak jalan masuk. So I buat apa yang I perlu buat, I carry her with my two hands then I realized dia tak berat macam dulu, ringan, she's too skinny now. She just closed her eyes sampailah masuk dalam flight. Dia nak duduk tepi tingkap but at the same time dia terkejut tengok environment first class emirates 'Macam Sex & The City part II' she said, we all laughed including my grandmother yang sebenarnya tak tahu apa Iman maksudkan. Iman struggle to breathe dalam flight, dia rasa tak selesa, Dr yang ikut got no other choice but bagi dia IV and injection. Stewardess semua bagi Iman full attention, they tried so hard to please her, to ease her pain for 7 hours journey. But tak lama lepas kena jab, Iman terus tidur sampailah kami di Dubai, Dr kejutkan dia and dia terkejut 'Dah sampai? 7 hours dah? wow lamanya tidur' mulut dia tak berhenti cakap, I nak carry her out but dia cakap dia nak jalan. Kami tak lama dekat Dubai, 1 hour plus je. So sementara uruskan semua documentation semua, Iman just sit at the corner, looking straight at one of the gelato shop. I buat signal kepala like 'Apasal?' dia geleng kepala and walked straight kat gelato shop, taking pictures and tengok je all kind of gelato flavors dekat situ. 'Iman, you know kan tak boleh makan semua ni?' Dia angguk, nampak a bit upset then she smiled 'Tak apa, dah sihat nanti boleh makan, kan?' then she walked back to the corner and play with her phone. 

Bila nak boarding, I terus keluar phone, nak snap her picture 'Iman, cepatlah smile a bit' and she said 'Takmo lah I don't look good, macam hantu, look at my hair' then I buat jokes sikit and moment dia ketawa je I terus snap and oh boy she was right, her hair memang nampak serabut hahaha but at least I managed to capture that moment, dalam sakit-sakit, she still managed to smile and laugh. But again bila dalam flight, Iman struggle lagi nak bernafas, to one point muka dia turned blue. I just sit on the floor, hold her hand and cuba kuatkan semangat dia, she looked at me and she said 'Iqbal, I don't think I can make it to UK ni' my heart sank when she said that. So I've spent 7 hours journey on the floor, telling her stories about us masa kecik-kecik and crack some jokes here and there. Hati rasa tenang sikit bila she smiled, walaupun nampak penat and sakit. Right after diaorang buat announcement nak touch down, I rasa tak sabar, cepatlah sampai so that Iman boleh dapat treatment. Sampai je airport, dia tak sempat-sempat nak check in dekat FB, dalam sakit-sakit pun dia nak make sure semua orang tahu dia selamat sampai. But luggage pulak lambat keluar, macam-macam hal jadi sampai sangkut and not only that, dapat tahu kitaorg kena tidur hotel and bukannya masuk hospital terus. I dah mula risau, Iman dah mula nampak pucat, but as soon kitaorang masuk hotel, semua dah siap. Ada oxygen tube, ada machine, Drs from Royal Marsden semua dah siapkan everything. Iman terus dapat her jab and dia macam ok sikit. Slowly dia settle in, nampak tenang. I can't remember much sebab terus tertidur, penat sangat. 

Esoknya kami terus ke hospital, to cut thing short. Iman terus dibawak ke ER, Dr from PC bertukar documents and infos dengan Drs dari RM. Semua cepat, ambik blood test cepat,xray cepat, masuk iv cepat and then kami dibawa ke floor suites. Kami dibawak ke carer suite, suite untuk family yang jaga pesakit, cantik gila macam hotel. Iman dah mula happy, thinking her suite pun akan cantik mcm ni, but once she stepped in kat suite dia, dia mcm a bit disappointed, her suite nampak more like studio apartment. Bilik dia paling hujung so signal wifi pun weak habis. But dia tak complain sikit pun, dia settle in, bergolek dekat her bed and sedapkan hati sendiri to love her new place. Although I tak berapa biasa dengan London, but I kena biasakan diri. Apa je Iman nak, broadband, food etc I kena get it for her, selera besar, nak makan macam-macam but sadly everytime I bawak balik makanan for her, dia makan sikit je, lepas tu terbuang tak termakan. I naik angin 'Makan lah Iman, nak sangat tadi, ni buang je!' dia tak cakap apa, dia terus ambik balik makanan tu and eat it, tak sampai seminit dia muntah balik everything. Then I just realized dia bukan sengaja tak nak makan habis, she can't eat at all! Rasa bersalah bila marah dia, rasa tak berguna pun ada.Kenapalah tak sensitive aku ni, orang lagi tak boleh makan, nak marah-marah pulak. Tapi alhamdulilah dia boleh minum soya bean, makan jellow and bread, semuanya dalam kuantiti yang sikit. Oklah daripada tak makan langsung walaupun ada certain times dia mintak jugak makanan lain, but I tetap belikan, at least dia dapat rasa walaupun dia tak dapat makan. 

I still remember pergi McD, panjang betul Q nak kena beratur. Iman nak sangat makan filet o fish. Bila sampai my turn, diaorang cakap filet dah habis. Kecewa gila, beratur almost an hour tapi tak dapat, rasa marah and all kind of emotions yang dah lama simpan dalam hati dah tak boleh nak simpan lagi. I terus breakdown dekat situ, tak kisah dah orang nak pandang ke apa. I just cry and from corner of my eye nampak orang dah mula draw attention towards me. The manager keluar tanya kenapa, I terus cakap I need fillet for my sick sister. But fillet memang dah runout. Bayangkan dalam banyak-banyak burger, fillet dah habis. Diaorang cuba nak call other store but I can't wait. Sebab Iman esoknya tu nak ada chemo, then suddenly ada this one lady came to me and cakap I boleh ambik fillet dia, tak terusik lagi. She bought it for her son but she said boleh beli burger lain for her kid. I terus ambik, hug her well and semua orang dekat situ tepuk tangan. Not only that, one fine gentleman siap drivekan I sampai hospital. Ya Allah, dipermudahkan semuanya yang Iman nak. terlalu banyak orang baik yang kisah. Rasa puas bila bawak fillet balik to ward, Iman makan pulak sampai habis. Rasa beratur for an hour to sangat-sangat worth it, but then tak lama lepas tu dia muntah balik, but it's ok as long dia dapat rasa. 

Iman chemo session tak berapa berjalan dengan baik esoknya tu, her heartbeat asyik drop and she unconscious 2-3 kali during the process. To be honest I rasa macam akan hilang dia, especially bila tengok muka dia pucat, gasping for air. She keep calling someone's name, banyak-banyak kali. She looked at me and she said 'Iqbal, I can't die now, I've already promise him that I wanna see him here in London' tried so hard to suck in, all my tears and tunjuk dekat dia how strong I was masa tu. 'Ok Iman, I won't let you die ok? Hang in there, fight for yourself, fight for him too ok, you want to see him kan?' Dia angguk slowly and terus tertidur but at the same time dia hold my hand, tak kasi pergi mana-mana just sit next to her. Like an hour macam tu I rasa sesak, all emotions rasa nak terkeluar. So I cepat-cepat keluar and lepaskan everything dekat corridor. I tumbuk dinding, screaming like a mad person. I keep asking Allah 'Sampai bila nak macam ni, why her? kau dulu ambik parents aku, and sekarang Iman pulak? Tak fair betul!' Lepas je habis chemo, dr cakap Iman stable and dia kena rehat cukup-cukup. Rasa lega jugak sebab dia dah ok, I thought semuanya ok dah lepas tu, but oh boy I was so damn wrong. The chemo buat Iman losing her hair, like a lot, her face bengkak but her body mula susut, kurus sangat-sangat. Dia dah mula hallucinate, nampak dead person, nampak our parents there with her. Teringat cakap makcik I dulu, orang yang dekat dengan kematian memang boleh nampak orang yang mati. But I was so in denial, I tak boleh terima yang Iman macam tu. Drs pula not helping bila bagitahu yang lung iman dah mula penuh tumors, some of her vital organs dah mula tak function and kena remove soon. The worst part when they told me yang Iman, even with chemo pun tak ada harapan, all they can do to prolong her life and ease her pain. I was like what?? bayar mahal pun tak boleh selamatkan dia? datang jauh pun tak boleh selamatkan dia? hospital apa ni? doctor apa ni? cancer institute apa ni? Lepas marah-marah I terus masuk bilik, try to cool off myself dengan tidur. But then entah kenapa tergerak hati nak check on Iman satu malam ni, dia lari dari ward dia, don't know what happen, gaduh dengan someone ke apa, puas cari dia satu hospital but tak jumpa. 

Semua nurses cari Iman, I dah mula risau. Ni London, bukan KL. Macamana kalau dia keluar dari hospital ni orang kidnapp dia ke apa. Then I walked out and nampak Iman baring dekat bench luar hospital sejuk-sejuk macam tu. I asked her 'Kenapa ni Iman, kenapa dekat sini?' she looked at me and she said 'Iqbal, look at me, I'm unloveable now kan? Semua orang asyik nak marah je, semua orang hate me now, kenapa tak ada orang boleh sayang I and make me happy? Because I'm sick now is it? sebab I nak mati dah? Orang dah tak kisah dah? because I'm no longer beautiful is it?' she went on for several minutes about it and seriously I tak ada jawapan. I nak cakap apa? I sendiri pun tak ada jawapan to all my questions, why her, kenapa dia sakit, kenapa sekarang? kenapa buat iman suffers? tak ada, tak ada jawapan and I tak boleh nak jawab apapun soalan Iman. Sometimes susah bila kami disini berusaha buat Iman calm and stable but people out there put her in misery and make her sad. People bashing her, people doubt about her well-being etc, people scolding her for no reason. I tertanya sometimes, kalau diaorang semua ni nampak macamana Iman sekarang, diaorang buat tak perkara yang sama? I duduk dengan dia semalam and cakap dari hati ke hati, especially bila tau someone out there wanna come and marry iman right here in london. I asked her 'Iman, so macamana now ada orang nak kawin dgn you, nak kawin tak?' I joked lah obviously and regardless how crazy in love this person dengan Iman and how he really really nak kawin and jaga Iman, dengan tenang Iman cakap 'You know what Iqby, how can you marry someone new when you already gave your heart away to someone else? Regardless berapa banyak orang tak suka this guy yang I sayang ni, I can't marry someone else Iqby. Regardless if dia sayang orang lain pun nanti, I can't just throw it away my love for him for someone else yang nak I.' then I asked her why, she said 'Orang tak tahu apa yang I went through with this particular person, he's my half, a better half. Dia buat I jadi penyabar, buat I sedar yang dalam hidup ni kita perlu tolerate untuk happy kan each other' then I asked her 'Are you happy now?' then she said 'Even kalau tak happy pun, knowing this particular guy is exist and still here with me dah buat I cukup happy' my heart sank, that's Iman. Walaupun ada some part yang buat dia tak happy sekali pun dia akan cari that tiny little piece here and there untuk buat diri dia rasa happy. Iman yang I kenal selalu tukar sesuatu yang negative jadi positive, dia tak pernah buruk sangka pada orang. Dia anggap semua orang baik, walaupun org buat salah pada dia, tak kira sesiapapun, dia tetap maafkan and sayang ppl around her without prejudice. Niat dia cuma satu, untuk buat semua orang yang dia kenal happy & kehendak dia cuma satu untuk rasa disayangi, she will do anything untuk rasa disayangi, but sometimes kebaikkan Iman tu disalah ertikan, orang ingat yang bukan-bukan about her and orang ambik kesempatan pada Iman

She's my sister and I nampak macamana dia suffer mencari kasih sayang from ppl around her, being in abusive relationship, kena pukul sebelum ni, kena cheated on etc. Siapa je yang sanggup buat semua ni to Iman? Dia tak pernah cari pasal with anyone, dia cuma nak rasa happy, to have someone yang boleh appreciate and love her sincerely and I must say, dalam saat-saat dia kehabisan masa ni, dia bertuah masih ada lelaki yang sayang dia and care about her. Yang paling dia nak sangat-sangat to die as someone's lover or someone's wife. Tapi dia cakap to me 'Look at me Iqby, now I dah botak, kurus, nak ke orang dekat I lagi? I keep telling her yang dia masih lagi cantik, tak kisah lah botak ke apa, to me dia masih lagi cantik. I cakap dekat dia 'Iman, disisi Allah orang yang sakit tu cantik Iman, sabarlah Insya allah sakit ni penghapus dosa' then she cried. Dia cakap dia tak ready lagi nak mati, masih banyak dosa yang belum dia taubat, masih banyak pahala yang dia belum lagi kejar. Dalam masa yang sama dia risau rupa dia dah tak macam dulu, keep telling me yang dia dah buruk. To be honest, I sedih tengok keadaan dia sekarang, someone yang so cheerful, healthy, skipping around the place singing and humming every single time, sekarang dah uzur, kurus, botak, cengkung, the only thing yang masih macam dulu her smile, so sincere, so beautiful, datang dari hati dia yang bersih. Here I am, waiting for Iman to wake up, walaupun tak bersedia mentally, but I kena prepare dengan segala kemungkinan. Guys, seriously, I'm not ready hilang Iman. How can I live my life without Iman? My dearest sister yang selalu bukak pintu and welcome me home dengan senyuman, keep asking me about my day, bugging me everytime hantar dia pergi mall and all. I'm gonna miss her for sure and trust me, nak prepare for her funeral bukan satu benda yang mudah. Bukan senang, macam drs cakap tadi, harapan Iman tak banyak and again I tertanya why her? dia banyak cita-cita, dia banyak benda nak buat. She full of life, kenapa orang baik macam dia, bubbly and loveable macam dia kena semua ni? 

But again, maybe allah perlukan Iman dekat sana, to have someone yang so talkative to tell Him a story, to be an entertainment among angels, so that she can finally be free, no more pain, no more sadness, just pure happiness dekat heaven. No more 'Iqby, just kill me now end my suffering' and hopefully oneday I can finally hear Iman cakap 'Iqby, I'm finally free..' Whatever it is, dengan masa yang terhad ni guys, kita gunakan lah sepenuhnya. Walau tak banyak, dia perlukan sikit rasa happy instead of misery. Walaupun dia rasa sakit yang amat sangat sekarang, dia masih ingat you guys, selalu cakap pasal you guys and love you guys so much. Just pray for her and hoping for the best. Just remember her as Iman yang sihat, yang bubbly and suka ambil berat pasal ppl around her and hopefully those memories tu stay forever in our minds and hearts. Insya allah. I'll try my best jadi kuat for Iman, for everyone. Berat mata memandang, berat lagi yang memikul. Hopefully allah bagi kekuatan for me and family to handle Iman and this situation. Thanks a lot sebab baca email panjang lebar ni, at least dengan share dengan korang dapat ringankan sikit beban yang I pikul. I'll promise I'll write more, Insya Allah. Take care guys! 

Iqbal Imran Abd Rashid.

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